Four Chances

In just over four more short hours My Sunshine will have left a month ago.  Each day since then I have missed her. No longer is there activity in the house since Momma no longer needs help.  In response I have become very flighty and  start one task and move to the next.  It takes twice as long to get something done.  A friend has told me this is part of the grief process and if it is then I wonder what will I encounter next.

Logically I know she has passed away, yet I wander through the house talking to her, sometimes feeling like I have seen her and always needing to let her know where I am going.  The songs she loved so much play through the computer or from the CD.  They have become a salve when the day turns inward and  when “You Are My Sunshine” plays I remember to open my heart to her sunshine.

So many more things should have been said.  I am sure that everyone feels the same if they have experienced this grieving process.  A life time of talking suddenly seems truncated and you begin thinking that every reaction should be repeated again and again and that you should have known to have said these things.  If I did I probably would have caused my Mother to tell me to be quiet, something that she never said.

Momma was a special lady.  So often in the past, Momma saw young people in distress with their families or their parents had passed away.   Regardless of the situation, she befriended the children, guided them through the years until they were able to feel comfortable with their families, or kept in close contact with them as a very caring and interested surrogate Mother.  Momma’s heart was big and my sister and I never noticed any lack of love throughout all of our years.

The clock’s minute hand now nears the time Momma left.

Now the time has  passed that moment.  I placed a lit candle near her head reposed upon the pillow. Through the glow of the candle I see Momma clearly and bid her farewell as I did before.  As the candle glows in the darkened room I am reminded of the many nights I sat in this corner writing while Momma lay sleeping in her bed.  Now she rests for eternity.

One month ago, early in the evening you left,
the clock tolled shortly before five, but to me the time stood still.
Just before you left you rested your head a little closer to mine
and then I knew the Angel had come for you.

One month ago, early in the evening you, my anchor, went away.
Each day I think of you, each day I play your songs and remember.
Memories  now cherished and protected by my heart,
gives me your smile filled with your sunshine and love.

One month ago, early in the evening I will never forget
the moment you went with your Angel, down the path I couldn’t go.
Just down the path, then to cross the Rainbow Bridge and
you would be in Paradise safe from all the woes on earth.

One month ago, early in the evening is such a short time ago,
and  when it was two months before we still had time to love and laugh.
But, time doesn’t stop for us and in the midst of living I didn’t see,
I didn’t hear nor did I want to know the time was nearing.

And now I sit with you in my mind, as I did when I kneeled next to your bed.
and as always tell you of my sadness, my hopes and my wishes.
Once again I see, you, my Momma, with your head next to mine,
listening, remembering, helping me through this plight of mine.